You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
