sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
