Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
