My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
