just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Dignity is for republicans.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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