I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
