I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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