Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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