we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
