it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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