I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
