News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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