i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
