Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
