I murdered the dance floor call the cops
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize