Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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