final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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