You're a womanizer and a bitch.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
how drunk are you?
Several
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
