We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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