Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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