I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
