well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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