i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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