google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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