does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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