I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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