bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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