We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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