It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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