just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
