i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
