if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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