why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
