I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You were trust falling into bushes
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