You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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