She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
