too bad you live with your parents still
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
