My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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