it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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