I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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