Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
