Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
