textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
