people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
