My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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