i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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