I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
