just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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