Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
