I wish you could order shots online.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize