Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
