He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
