in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Randomize
