my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Dignity is for republicans.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
