i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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