his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
