I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
