I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
