I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
