just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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