U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize