I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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