your thong is hanging out like whoa
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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